Friday, January 31, 2003

Bitter about the past

I came to a realization this morning at work that I'm still pissed off at my high school track coach. Or rather, pissed off for the first time.

I was not a confident teen. Hell I haven't been a highly confident adult, but I'm getting better. Anyway, to the point at hand, I was good at track. Specifically I was really good at the hurdles. I ran the 110 meter high hurdles and later (too late) I ran the 220 meter intermediate hurdles. I say too late because I found out late in my Senior season that I was good at them.

Anyway, during my Senior season I asked my coach, who was also the school guidance councelor, to call the University of Nebraska and find out what it would take to get a track scholarship. He did so and told me the speeds I would need to hit. I was a good 2-3 seconds slower. That was pretty discouraging. To give him credit, he did as I asked. However, as a coach and as a councelor, he should have urged me to work harder and try out for the team regardless. You don't need a scholarship to join the team after all.

However, he didn't say those things. My confidence in my ability was crushed. I knew I was a good hurdler, but not a great one. The University could have maybe made me a great hurdler. Who knows. I didn't have the confidence to even bother trying out. I "knew" I wasn't good enough.

Am I coping out and blaming my coach/councelor for my weakness? Yea a little bit. But isn't it his JOB as a coach to push me to be better than I am? Isn't it the JOB of a councelor to work with the strengths and weaknesses of the students and help them on their way to building their future?

I believe in both cases he failed. And it makes me mad. I wouldn't have been a track super star, but I would have worked hard. My future would have been very different. Better? Who's to say.

I'm pretty happy with who I am today, but I can't help but look back and wonder, "What if?" And I look back and see my coach and think, "What the hell were you thinking?"

Oh well...too late now to cry over spilt milk. Feels nice to have it off my chest though. :)

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