Wednesday, April 30, 2003

So you want to be a Jedi do you?

Well this guy certainly does. Lets face it, most males who grew up with Starwars have done this in some fashion or another. Of course most of us didn't have a video camera. Nor were we foolish enough to record it. Nor were we dumb enough to leave said tape where a brother could post it to the Internet.

I don't know this poor dolt, I got this from my friend John who found it on the net somewhere, but I felt this was worthy of sharing.

This first video is the original lightsaber routine. I don't remember Luke or Yoda moving like a ballet dancer, but hey. To each their own. (3MB)

The second video is what someone else did with this poor Jedi's dance routine. Oh the humanity. (~1.1MB)

Be prepared to laugh!

Tuesday, April 29, 2003

Blog Update

As you can see I've added logos for all my links. I see a lot of sites and blogs like that and I figured I'd be a poser and do it too. Actually I thought it would be something fun and interesting. I hope to add more links to sites and things I like in the future, but this is a good start.

The blog logos, with the exception of Joni Electric were all created by me (Update - The GutDude had a graphic already on his site for linking that I didn't see. I've used his, as it was cooler than my cheap knockoff.). Please feel free to download them and use them on your site if you wish. But I must ask those of you who do want to use them to not just link to the graphic on my website. I will remove them promptly if this starts happening. Got it? I'm not terribly worried about the bandwidth, but using another sites bandwidth, especially when asked not to, is very poor netiquette.

let me know what you think of the changes.

Monday, April 28, 2003

Thank you love

I'm feeling better today thanks to my sweety. I feel a bit guilty that she was able to help me by listening and I've not been very good at returning that very same ear. But I thank her very much. I will keep writing my thoughts out. It seems to be quite helpful. So if you read something that doesn't sound good, you should feel alright being concerned about me, but realize that by writing it I've vented the negative feelings.

A good friend of mine told me today that I've been/am depressed. Not in a dangerous way, but in a way that makes life kinda shitty. He was very right. I'm still not sure what to do about it aside from write. I do however have to discover the reason for the feelings. I know part of it, but as I noted in an earlier post there is an emotional selfishness that underlies this. That is the part I'm struggling to discover.

My sweety had an interesting theory. That growing up as the oldest, I had to give up needs and attentions to take care of my little brother and sister. Not sure about this honestly. I'm probably not quoting her properly either. I have an idea of my own though.

My mom left my sister and I at an early age, I was just over 5, maybe 6 years old. It was much more traumatic to me than I realized at the time. With this emotional trouble from the start of my school life, my social life was tainted from the start. It's not easy being a social misfit from the start. I know there are plenty of us out there and they know what I'm talking about.

I had my first girl friend in 6th grade and it was short and I was dumped because, and I quote (yes I still remember), "because you're weird." Ouch! Next year I got a double whammy with glasses AND acne! We also didn't have a lot of money, as a family, so I didn't have the cool clothes and stuff. My misfit status escalated.

Things started getting better but the feeling of not belonging always was there. It was there even more tangibly when we moved to California and I went to a school where most of my classmates had grown up together. It's hard to be the new kid.

So how does this all fit? Well I never felt like I was wanted. When I exposed my feelings they were trampled. I don't blame those people. I often set myself for those falls being overly optimistic or just plain naïve. But that is just a part of growing up. Still it may be what has sacred me for so long now.

I've been better in the recent past and had grown to accept that I am who am I, for better or worse. I don't mind having a smaller social life than some people. Growing up this way I've learned to care deeply for friends who look beyond the surface and I can be comfortable being myself around. I don't have to be anyone but myself with them. That is a good feeling. I should be concentrating on those things instead of letting myself become depressed about my weaknesses. We all have them. That doesn't mean I should ignore them however. Hiding from your mistakes and weak points doesn't make them go away. It makes them build up until they can really hurt you ... and others.

Faith In Humanity Goes Up a Notch

You may or may not have seen the previews for the shameful movie, "The Real Cancun" on TV or at the theaters. The first time I saw one of the ads I groaned and my stomach was ill. Like we really need to see this? If I wanted to experience Cancun I would have gone when I was in college. Anyone outside the college group, mostly horny frat boys, will frown on this movie to start with. My thoughts have been mirrored by many others, based on the poor box office returns.

Those of you who refused to waste your $8 on this piece of garbage have renewed my faith in humanity. The movie would have been better off with an X rating and sold on the Internet or on late night TV ads like all the "Girls Gone Wild" tapes.

Sunday, April 27, 2003


I doubt anyone likes to see the bad parts of themselves. Many of us hide them in denial. Others, perhaps maddened by their discovery, blow these flaws into exaggeration.

We are human, flawed by nature. We have no choice in the matter. No matter how much perfection we wish to obtain we'll always be a step away. An infinite race against an opponent we'll never catch. But knowing this doesn't soften the blow of personal revelations that we do not like to see in ourselves.

It's easy to see flaws in others and judge them. It's not always as easy to see their merits an bless them. I am a watcher, an observer. I always have been. I wouldn't go so far as to call myself an amateur archaeologist, sociologist or even a psychologist, but I can sometimes see things that others miss. Perhaps that's presumptuous of me. However, watching the world around me I've learned to let the mistakes that others make go. Mistakes and learning from them is part of our life long task of living.

I've been busy watching the mistakes and triumphs of others and not turning my attentions inwards. This weekend I was. I found something I didn't like. It's something I knew existed but never made sense to me until now. I'm selfish.

I'm not selfish with money, food or gifts, at least not terribly so. I'm kind and always willing to help a friend. But the problem is not the giving of physical goods and services but that of the heart and spirit. I do not want to give up those things which are so precious and special to me. I don't really know why either.

I went to a friends wedding this weekend. Early on I wasn't sure if I should go or not, even if I wanted to go or not. But I knew that it would be a wedding present better than anything I could buy her if I went. So I did. I knew she'd be happy about it and she was. Now that may sound selfless, but its not. I knew how happy it would make her and THAT is why I did it. It would give me praise and love from her. The smiles I got because I came were for ME.

At the rehearsal dinner and at the reception I was quiet and polite. Keeping out of the way and enjoying the festivities as more of an observer than a participant. I didn't belong to either family and though I am viewed as a more of a brother to my friend who got married, I felt like an outsider. More so because I was the only male friend of the bride and I simply felt out of place and uncomfortable with the groomsmen.

Part of me wanted to stand up and make my presence known. I wanted them all to know who I was and why I was there. I wanted to be a center of attention. But I wouldn't allow myself that, either night. So I kept back and out of the way so as not to interfere with everyone's good time. Many might say that because I didn't do or say anything to steal the limelight, even for a moment, that I was being selfless, not selfish, but I disagree. The desire was still firmly there in my heart and in my head as much as I despised it's presence. I was not about to ruin or taint in any way the most important day of a very good friends life. However in my silence and antisocial behavior I stuck out more than had I just relaxed and taken a little bit of limelight away, if not from the bride and groom, perhaps some of the other dancers, drinkers and merry makers.

It's a good thing little girls forgive easily. I made one almost cry and later become mad at me because I wouldn't dance with her. I did the first time, reluctantly. It was fun, but when the song was over I was ready to hide away again. I'm quite ashamed of that. Later she wanted me to dance with her once more, before the last song was over and I let my stubbornness and my fatigue, as it was nearly midnight, take over. She forgave me later and fell asleep in my lap on the way home, a little angel, but because of my selfishness I hurt her, even if for only a little bit.

I do this more often than I care to consider to another very beautiful and sweetheart (I'll refrain from calling her an angel, per her request). I know I don't do these things on purpose. I never want to or mean to hurt anyone with my selfishness. I am a very stubborn man and when it comes to my feelings it's even worse, especially when you are taking me from my safety zones.

It's safe to blend into the background. When you're not the center of attention you can't screw up. You're not responsible. It makes me a coward as well. But when you do nothing, you're life becomes nothing. I have very few stories exciting fun stories about my life. I can tell you about things I've done but they are more of a historical record than a good story. I was always so busy watching others live those lives. I suppose we cannot all be the super stars. There has to be someone to make note of history rather than live it, but it's a depressing thing if you cannot own it, take it in and make it who you are.

So that leaves me in a place of contradiction On one hand I sit back and watch the world. The other I am to be an active participant. I have built around my life as close to a harmony as I can perhaps get. I keep a very small and select group of friends and prefer small groups where I don't feel uncomfortable being an active participant. There are those who highly encourage me to become more social, but as I've gotten older I know that is not me and to force myself into situations where I'm not comfortable isn't always the right answer. Sometimes you have to push yourself to grow of course but in this area I don't want to. Why? Because I can get the best of both worlds. I can be selfish with my feelings and just watch rather than participate. But I can also share with my close friends and family when I choose to, taking a small pleasure in knowing these people get a taste of me that many others will not get to see.

I've totally lost my original train of thought, but the free flow of thoughts In this writing are worth posting regardless. Perhaps I will ponder on this more and write again later. Though I suspect that I will retire my brain for the rest of the evening. My heart is still reaching out, but for that, only the recipient knows why.

To all my friends and family that read this, please comment below. Feed my need for selfish attention if you will. Maybe I'm not alone in my feelings. Part of me wants to believe that most others fight these internal battles as well, but as a watcher, I cannot see the internal, only the external of my subjects.

Tuesday, April 22, 2003


I rather suspect when my domain name expires so will this website. Part of it is that i'm just bored with it. Part of it is that if you were going to look at my photos, you would have already dne so by now and frankly I'd rather share them with friends and family anyway, rather than strangers. But part of it admititly is because i'm feeling self destructive and I just don't care. It's just a website. No one comes here anyway. Fuck it

Saturday, April 19, 2003


It's odd how until it hits you that most people assume loneliness and sadness are paired together like lovers. But they are not.

I feel both and sometimes together. Tonight however I felt the loneliness without the sadness. It was sublime and peaceful, though not pleasent. It's difficult to put into words how it felt.

I saw those around me differently. Detached. I had no anger or happiness. I had no impatients or surprise. It was like living but not really being there at all.

I have loved ones. That I know for certain, but loneliness is not the absence of people, its the absence of part of yourself. I'm missing a very deep part of myself right now.

I am sad and I'm lonely. I fear that part of me may never return, but I also have hope that it will. Because of that hope I do not fall into dispair.

Dispair comes in many forms as well, including denial and escape. I spent the day reading, escaping from my feelings. Yet I could never run far enough that they weren't right there tapping me on the shoulder. A song. A sentance in the book. Tonight, a face on the movie screen. There is no escape.

So I face my feelings now. Wish me luck. My feelings and I have never been good friends.

Saturday, April 12, 2003

Interesting Lyrics

Just a new song I stumbled across. I really enjoy it. It's not for everyone, but hey, what is?
MDFMK - Control¿

Fight the power
And the power will fight back
You're only as good
As the system you hack
If you become a problem
You will be replaced
Shut down

The world is capsized
Gone erratic
Cause you just won't reason
Dissolved into static
The truth is based
On misinformation
Reality is only
A hallucination

The revolution will be synthesized
The revolution will be synthesized

Another decade
Gone terribly wrong
Affectively effecting
Generations to come
We only buy into
What we consume
We only want to protect you
From yourself

The more you waste
For the media hype
We're busy creating
Them another stereotype
Amending the story
To keep it tact
It makes your lavation
A common-day fact

Kill those who control us
By pushing your button
The church and God will lapse on you
Does it matter?
Does it matter?

The revolution will be synthesized
The revolution will be synthesized
The revolution will be synthesized

Corporate wars
Versus plastic celebrity
Competing for headlines
Repels foreign realty
Ulterior motives
In a shroud secrecy
The holy grail
Is a mark of supremacy

Killing machines
Blood destruction and mayhem
Can we pity the victims
If we don't even know them?
If anything goes wrong
We'll bring them all in
Cause when i give a straight
From the ancient hand...

Here you go
We all get the treat
This is your washing
Get the truth you know
You're lying it's broken
The revolution will be synthesized
The revolution will be synthesized

Thursday, April 03, 2003

Memories of Spring

On the way home I rolled down the windows and I took a deep breath of Spring time. I brought back memories of days when things seemed a lot simpler.

I thought about how in my late teens/early 20s my friends and I would hang out in cool Spring evenings. The air fresh and full of clean smells. Cut grass is one of the best smells after Winter. Some may argue that point, but I think the smell takes most people back to their childhoods, unless they cut grass for a living. LOL

So we'd walk down to the grocery store, sometimes drive, but we'd get a soda and a big bag of sun flower seed and just hang out, play some basketball or toss the football around. But more often than not we'd go sit on the corner (this was a quiet little neighborhood in Lincoln, Nebraska) eat sunflower seeds and talk for hours.

I've been trying to figure out all night what in the world we talked about, but it was probably pretty layed back. Cars, stereos, girls, etc. Now we all have careers, some of them are married. Some have kids now.

I don't keep in touch as well any more. Most of them still live in the same ol' city and here I am in Nashville. I don't regret my choice to move. I can't bring back those simple days when spending a relaxed evening with the buds, but I can fondly remember those days.

You don't realize how simple those pleasures really are when you're doing them. None of us were big drinkers. A few smoked. But here we were happy to eat seeds and drink sodas or Gatoraid.

We did other things together as we got older, like hanging out at the lake and water sking, but as much fun as that was it's not the same as that corner. I guess the bottom line is that the weather, the smells, Spring time made me realize today that I miss my ol' buddies.