Saturday, April 19, 2003


It's odd how until it hits you that most people assume loneliness and sadness are paired together like lovers. But they are not.

I feel both and sometimes together. Tonight however I felt the loneliness without the sadness. It was sublime and peaceful, though not pleasent. It's difficult to put into words how it felt.

I saw those around me differently. Detached. I had no anger or happiness. I had no impatients or surprise. It was like living but not really being there at all.

I have loved ones. That I know for certain, but loneliness is not the absence of people, its the absence of part of yourself. I'm missing a very deep part of myself right now.

I am sad and I'm lonely. I fear that part of me may never return, but I also have hope that it will. Because of that hope I do not fall into dispair.

Dispair comes in many forms as well, including denial and escape. I spent the day reading, escaping from my feelings. Yet I could never run far enough that they weren't right there tapping me on the shoulder. A song. A sentance in the book. Tonight, a face on the movie screen. There is no escape.

So I face my feelings now. Wish me luck. My feelings and I have never been good friends.

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