Monday, April 28, 2003

Thank you love

I'm feeling better today thanks to my sweety. I feel a bit guilty that she was able to help me by listening and I've not been very good at returning that very same ear. But I thank her very much. I will keep writing my thoughts out. It seems to be quite helpful. So if you read something that doesn't sound good, you should feel alright being concerned about me, but realize that by writing it I've vented the negative feelings.

A good friend of mine told me today that I've been/am depressed. Not in a dangerous way, but in a way that makes life kinda shitty. He was very right. I'm still not sure what to do about it aside from write. I do however have to discover the reason for the feelings. I know part of it, but as I noted in an earlier post there is an emotional selfishness that underlies this. That is the part I'm struggling to discover.

My sweety had an interesting theory. That growing up as the oldest, I had to give up needs and attentions to take care of my little brother and sister. Not sure about this honestly. I'm probably not quoting her properly either. I have an idea of my own though.

My mom left my sister and I at an early age, I was just over 5, maybe 6 years old. It was much more traumatic to me than I realized at the time. With this emotional trouble from the start of my school life, my social life was tainted from the start. It's not easy being a social misfit from the start. I know there are plenty of us out there and they know what I'm talking about.

I had my first girl friend in 6th grade and it was short and I was dumped because, and I quote (yes I still remember), "because you're weird." Ouch! Next year I got a double whammy with glasses AND acne! We also didn't have a lot of money, as a family, so I didn't have the cool clothes and stuff. My misfit status escalated.

Things started getting better but the feeling of not belonging always was there. It was there even more tangibly when we moved to California and I went to a school where most of my classmates had grown up together. It's hard to be the new kid.

So how does this all fit? Well I never felt like I was wanted. When I exposed my feelings they were trampled. I don't blame those people. I often set myself for those falls being overly optimistic or just plain naïve. But that is just a part of growing up. Still it may be what has sacred me for so long now.

I've been better in the recent past and had grown to accept that I am who am I, for better or worse. I don't mind having a smaller social life than some people. Growing up this way I've learned to care deeply for friends who look beyond the surface and I can be comfortable being myself around. I don't have to be anyone but myself with them. That is a good feeling. I should be concentrating on those things instead of letting myself become depressed about my weaknesses. We all have them. That doesn't mean I should ignore them however. Hiding from your mistakes and weak points doesn't make them go away. It makes them build up until they can really hurt you ... and others.

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