Sunday, November 30, 2003


Have you ever thought about what it would mean to be immortal? I mean really considered it for all it means.

I'm not talking about vampires or people like the Highlander. Both of those examples require sustenance to survive, so does that mean they are not truly immortal? Can an immortal being even have a physical body?

Consider for a moment the physical law of conservation of energy, which states that matter/energy cannot simply vanish, it must be converted to another from. So if an immortal does not eat or drink, where would they get their energy to do anything? They would harvest their own bodies until the body had no more to give, starving to death. Wait, you are immortal, you cannot starve to death, so what happens? Does your body absorb energy from the sun, from heat, from all those other things around you? Perhaps. Perhaps you do eat and drink, but again then you are not truly immortal if you must rely on sustenance.

Does this mean humans cannot be immortal in the physical body? I argue that is correct. Our bodies are weak and begin to die as soon as we are born. They are amazing pieces of biological engineering, but we simply do not have the physical make-up for immortality.

As our cells die, others multiply to fill the loss. It's really quite remarkable. However, just like coping a copy of a copy, etc., soon become unreadable, so does our genetic code in those cells. They begin to create flawed cells more often. Those cells die quicker than our body can replace them. Or worse yet, a cell looses control and begins to replicate itself without stopping. That is what cancer is. All for our cells to replace themselves indefinitely without error and you have a lesser form of immortality.

You still must feed your body to live, but if given the fuel it needs your body will live for hundreds, perhaps thousands of years, assuming it does not take on fatal damage. After all you're still susceptible to guns, knives, car accidents, etc.

Now what do you do? Aging would come to a halt. Old age is a direct result of the slow deterioration of the cellular makeup of our bodies. Without our cells going down hill, we'd in effect stay eternally young. Those who are old already may even find themselves growing young again, though it would take years. Think how long it took to get old. Do you really think you'd become young again over night?

But if you are the only immortal, what about those around you? They'd continue to age and die. As you stayed a perpetual 25-30, your wife, husband, girlfriend or boyfriend would age and wither. Do you harden your heart and discard emotion? Or do you learn to love again...and again...and again. Learning more how to loose than how to love. Or do you kill yourself unable to continue your ultra long life without your true love?

What do you do with your life if you choose to keep it? Over a few centuries, or perhaps only a few decades, you'll realize that most of life's pursuits are trivial and meaningless. Knowledge is one of the few endeavors worth taking. Money is nothing to an immortal who can simply wait to get what they want. Power may be compelling at first, but even it would become boring eventually. What is it to rule the world when all you rule will die and wither? All but you. Material goods are simply toys and have no real value in the end. Only knowledge.

There are many more thoughts and questions. I'd love to hear how you'd answer some of the ones I've given thus far.

Wednesday, November 26, 2003

Operating Systems

I have been playing around with Redhat 9.0 Linux on a laptop at work for the last couple of days. Mostly as an experiment and for the experience and learning process. I'm typically a Windows guy and I'm not ashamed of that fact.

The OS install from the CDs was pretty painless and Redhat has done a very good job at cleaning up the interface and making it as user friendly as possible. I commend them for that.

I did a standard desktop install, which I suspect is what came back to bite me later.

First it took me 3-4 hours just to get it to recognize a network card that it liked. The laptop didn't have a built in network card so I had to fight with it. Eventually I got it. I can see now that a majority of it was user error and unfamiliarity. Thus still no points off for Redhat/Linux.

However, then comes the software. I was able to get XMMS installed successfully and pretty easily, thankfully. I was also able to get Mozilla (web browser) upgraded from version 1.2 to 1.5. I had to install it as root, but I think that's normal. It didn't put any icons any where so I had to make my own, a fairly straight forward process once I figured out where all the files were installed. But still, the average Joe isn't going to figure that part out. That was my first negative point. The second negative point and I think a problem with the particular build of Mozilla I installed, not Linux, is that the fonts were not anti-aliased, so very small text was a mess of blocks, rather than text.

For my next test I pulled a CD of MPEG1 videos and put it in the drive. I figured, hey, it's MPEG1, no problems here, it's not a proprietary format like many of the AVIs or QuickTime movies. BZZZT!! Wrong. It wouldn't even try to play under Gnome. It simply said there was no associated player. Under KDE it tried but there was no audio or video.

Ok, I thought, I'll just download a media player. Here is where the real pain started. I found mplayer. Lots of good reviews and stuff. I found the RPM at and tried to install it. First I tried just running the install from the GUI. That worked for XMMS, so I figured it would here too. Nope. Nothing. No error. No install. No nothing. Hummm... I tried rebooting. I tried different versions. Eventually I found an old newsgroup article with the terminal run command. I ran it to find I was missing some necessary libraries.

Ok so I downloaded the libraries and attempted to install those. The first one went fine. The next had 3 more library requirements. The next had 2. Those were downloaded to find that there were additional libraries needed as well. Oh and then I found that there was a library already installed on my system that was newer, so it wouldn't install, but the other libraries needed the older version, so I couldn't install them at all.

I spent 2-3 hours on this. Just to watch a simple MPEG1 movie file. That's really pretty silly. Silly that it requires that much effort and silly that I wasted my time on it.

Until these sort of issues are resolved Linux, even one of the best like Redhat, will not hit the main stream. Windows may not be perfect but it's mature. I could probably fine a hundred or more media players freely available on the net that would install in 5-10 minutes, with no special requirements and they'd run my MPEG1 movies no problem.

Linux is still a uber-geek's OS. It's powerful, I will grant it that. Some people would are thrilled to death that they can control every piece and part of the OS that is installed. Who am I to suggest otherwise. However, most users just want something that'll work. Windows XP is VERY stable even Linux bigots have to admit that fact. Is it bloated and a resource hog? You bet it is! But today's computers have more than enough power to get the tasks of the everyday user done. A user isn't going to notice the 20% increase in resources on their system that Linux would give, especially if all they are going is surfing the web, checking mail and playing solitaire. They WILL notice the fact that many applications on the net, provided by the name brands, don't support Linux. A Linux guy will argue that there are TONS of Linux apps out there. And he/she would be right, but how easy are they to install. Most require at least an intermediate level of understand with Linux to use. Most people don't read the "read me"s, but that's what Linux requires in a majority of cases.

Linux is a good OS, but it's not for everyone. Like it or not there is a very good reason that Microsoft has a near monopoly on the average desktop operating system. They have the only one that your grandma or your dad can use without having to call you for support all the time.

Linux itself has become pretty user friendly. Once the rest of its software base gets there too, we may actually have something that could compete with Windows. It's no wonder Redhat and Lindows (perhaps others as well) are able to get away with charging for their install packages. If they work with a simple double click then its worth it. But is it really when your computer already has Windows on it?

Time will tell and I'll keep periodically testing it out. But there is only so much time I'm willing to waste trying to install a simple application.

Search my site

I've added a search feature to my website. You'll notice the search field to the right, under the archives list.

Granted I don't have a lot of content on my site, but the search tool is free, so why not?

Tuesday, November 25, 2003

Dude has too much time on his hands

Humm...wish I had time on my hands. Oh, what am I doing blogging then? Ummm... I'm not. It's your imagination.

Anyway, here is a blog that seems like it could be amusing. Thanks to Jenn for helping me find this blog.

Now I'm off to work on my Biz Law take home exam. Blah...

Monday, November 24, 2003

Weather...the next day

Ok so maybe I shouldnt have said anything. Now its 36 degrees and my fingers are still chilled to the bone. Damn. Me and my big mouth.

Sunday, November 23, 2003


I'm not complaining but what is the deal with the weather? I have my windows open right now. It's in the high 60s. It's November 22nd! Back when I lived in Nebraska snow could be a possibility. At the very least it would be jacket weather. It's not even that. I'm wearing a simple t-shirt and I'm totally comfortable.

I like the nice weather, but it really has be spooked. The winter, when it finally hits, could be really really bad or extend deep into Spring.

Or perhaps I'm just being unnecessarily paranoid. Time will tell.

Friday, November 21, 2003


To my love whom I believe is feeling like this:

Assemblage - Light
I stand in a barren void that's featureless
No sight or sound can penetrate at all
Though silent storms may try to tear me down
When dusk descends, I'll still be standing tall

To the ones who want me on my knees
You cannot control my destiny
There is light that flows throughout my veins
And there is darkness for the ones who bring me pain

Unrelenting, unforgiving hopelessness
Pummeled from all directions for days on end
Can't turn the other cheek, it's far too bruised
Can't play the part of saint, I won't pretend

To the ones who want me on my knees
You cannot control my destiny
There is light that flows throughout my veins
And there is darkness for the ones who bring me pain

Daylight breaks and shatters empty skies
Has nothing changed for better or for worse?
The cycle just repeats itself again
Can't tell if I am blessed or I am cursed

To the ones who want me on my knees
You cannot control my destiny
There is light that flows throughout my veins
And there is darkness for the ones who bring me pain

Unfortunatly I'm one of the people who brings her pain sometimes. But I hope my love can wash away the pain in time.


I start my 4 week business law class tonight. It goes from 6pm to 10 pm on Friday and 9am to 5 pm on Saturdays. It's only 4 weeks, but this is going to be intense. Wish me luck!

Wednesday, November 19, 2003

Linkie Loo

Some people who linked their blogs to mine and now I'm going to return the favor. I didn't even know some of these blogs existed. I guess more people read me than i realized. *sniff sniff* I feel so loved!
Broad at Bat
Jenn Martinelli: Blogging in Boston

Ok so that's all besides the ones I already knew. Well better than a kick in the pants!

Sunday, November 16, 2003

Things that make you go hmmmm...

I've watched Duck Dodgers on Cartoon Network a few times since it began to air in August of this year. One of the things I noticed is that they made the Martian Queen quite the sexy cartoon woman.

An odd thing occurred to me though. The Martians don't have mouths. So why would a Martian woman have breasts? I mean without a mouth there is no baby suckling. Thus nipples would not be necessary, nor would breasts as milk would not/could not be delivered in the human way.

Yes I can imagine you are reading this thinking, "What is wrong with this guy?" But I pose to you that many other cartoon watching adult men have thought the same, they just don't have the balls to say so. So before you call me a perv, watch yourself for hypocrisy. ;) LOL

Wednesday, November 12, 2003

Statistics Exam

I rocked my stats exam. I screwed up a couple questions though. Questions I should have gotten right, had I not made dumb mistakes. I can't complain about a 90% though.

The first problem was simply a calculation error. I had all the variables correct, I just hit the wrong buttons on my calculator when figuring the equation. (BTW, I don't us a statistical calculator. I actually figure through the equations.) It was a disappointing mistake. I asked my professor about it after class, because I was confused as to why my answers were so far off. Once we both realized it was just a calculator error we both thought...DUH! Well I suspect that's what he was thinking. Perhaps he'll give me back a point or two, but i'm not going to expect that.

The second problem was a legitimate mistake that I don't deserve any points back on. It's a case of second guessing my first answer and being wrong. If I had left the problem alone I would have gotten it right, but I second guessed myself and screwed up. He didn't take as many point off for it as he should have so I should be thankful. Makes me kick myself though because that's an age old rule. Go with your gut, it'll very often be the right answer.

Ah well. Like I said, I can't really complain about a 90%.

Tuesday, November 11, 2003

What did I say?

Apparently I said something to piss of Acidman or he made a mistake. I've been blocked from leaving him comments on his blog. I can't imagine what I would have said to be blocked so I must venture to guess that it's a mistake.

For the time being I'll assume it's an "oops" and he ment to block someone else. If not, I'll have to remove my link to his blog. I mean why advertise for someone who's not interested in hearing what I have to say?

Sunday, November 09, 2003

Centennial Park Photos

Click here for a larger ViewAfter work one day, late in May I took this photo of the pond at Centennial Park in Nashville. I'm not sure what urged me to stop and take some photos, but I did.

The history of this pond is quite interesting. I won't go into all the great details as there are way to many for the scope of this blog, but it was part of the 1897 Tennessee Centennial Exposition.

At the time it was larger and allowed for boat rides. Today it's a much smaller pond and there are no boats. There is no swimming either. They do let people fish, though I doubt there is much to really catch. Though I've been told they stock it.

Many families like to sit along its west bank and feed the geese and ducks. During the summer it is a busy place with lots of activity.

The pond or "Lake Wautauga", as was it's long forgotten name sits near the Parthenon.

Click for Larger ViewThese were some pretty flowers near the pond. The park and recs department of the city does a pretty decent job of keeping the city parks clean and full of life. Sure we have a few bums sleeping here and there under a tree, but what do you expect. This is a city of 2+ million (Nashville and surrounding area) and growing.

Thankfully Nashville isn't growing as fast as Atlanta has. If you've driven though Atlanta you know what I mean. Some of those roads are very narrow. They have squeezed as many lanes as physically possible without cars rubbing, into existing roads. There are a couple roads here in Nashville like that as well and I hope they are expanded soon.

The big lacking that Nashville has is public transit. The busses seem to work pretty well, but lets face it, most white collar workers are not going to take the bus. However a train would be used I suspect. We're not big enough for a subway. I also believe the city geology prevents that. I'm no city planner though, so what do I know?

Saturday, November 08, 2003

Country Side Photos

Click for Larger ImageAlong Highway 100, just outside of Pasquo, Tennessee. There are a few old burnt out houses. They look like they've been there for years. Rotten, over grown with moss and other vegitation. They are eye sores to some, but they have a very unique and interesting charm.

I find it curious that they still exist at all though. They are far enough out of the Nashville area that the property/land values are much more reasonable. It seems suprising to me that the land hasn't been reclaimed. However, the plot is right next to a busy highway, with only about 10-15 yards of space before
a steep hillside interupts. Due to the nature of the surrounding geography, simply cutting into the side of the hill may not necessarily be a viable option.

Most likely it'll rot until the area becomes more populated. On the other side of the highway is a good deal more flat space. I wish I had more history of this house. But it's probably less exciting than our imaginations can come up with.

Click here for larger Image.This barn is located a bit further west than the burnt out old house. Not by far though. You can see there is much more land to develop on this side. Currently however it's a farm. Hopefully it will be for many years to come.

I found this barn over a month ago when my family was in town, staying at a Bed & Breakfast, not far from here.

I really wanted to get a picture when the leaves were more colorful but situations did not allow me to take a picture until today.

I wanted to take additional photos of Nashville and the surrounding area, but it was such a beautiful day I just ended up driving around for a few hours. Just pick a road and see where it goes. The surrounding Nashville area is a maze of roads and highways. It can be confusing due to the hills and valleys, but that makes it all the more exciting.

Friday, November 07, 2003


I know my website is visited a lot, I can see the logs. I see the search key words that people use to find my site too. Many times I've written something that is dead on to what they've searched for, but I'm left no comments.

What's the deal? Why do people visit without commenting? I don't expect every person to comment every single time. But ...ah screw it. It just sounds like I'm bitching because I don't have any comments.

I guess what I'd like to see is SOME kind of response to my website. I mean what is the point? Yes friends and family enjoy some of things on here, but I'd like to hear from the general public too.

I'm probably inviting Trolls and other negativity, but at least it would be SOMETHING.

Wednesday, November 05, 2003

I've taken alls I can take...

Guilt. Anger. Frustration. Depression.

All emotions, feelings that I have been battling lately. But why? What happened to me?

I was dealing with my past, with how the divorce of my parents at the age of 5 or 6 affected my life. And it DID affect my life. Dramatically.

At first I thought it was an abandonment issue. While I'm sure that is true to a certain level, I don't believe that is the major impact on my life. Guilt. Guilt has made me work hard to please everyone in my life all my life, especially loved ones and those I care about. My mother left me. As a child, regardless of why she chose to leave, left me feeling as if it was my fault. I was to blame in my mind. Because of that I did all I could to satisfy my father. I couldn't risk upsetting him, he might leave too.

When I was around women I had to be extra nice and sweet and do my best to be a good guy. When I had a crush on a girl I would do everything I thought she might like or want but then feel so disappointed when she was interested. I was sure it was something that I did. I was sure that I just wasn't good enough.

Eventually those feelings became so ingrained in my life that I can look back on my life and not see where it didn't have a very strong role in how I reacted to the various situations in my life. Like it or not guilt and blame, self imposed as well as imposed by others shaped my actions and opinions. I suspect most people were not intentionally trying to manipulate me or make me do things I didn't want to. That doesn't change the fact that it still affected me.

Have there been people who DID take advantage of me? You bet there were. I may not have been aware of them all, but there are a few that stand out loud and clear in my mind. I can forgive those who did so unintentionally, but not those who did so for their own gain with no regard for the cost to me. As far as I'm concerned they can go to hell.

I've grown to realize that I'm tired of feeling guilty. I'm tired of feeling as if I'm to blame for all the bad things that happen around me. I'm not perfect and I make mistakes, but so what? So does everyone else. I do my best to make up for the damage done, but sometimes I just don't want to face it. When all my life I've felt like I was to blame for everything I don't want to accept that I AM to blame. I have to take responsibility for my actions, that's the adult thing to do, but what I have to learn is how to see when is something really my responsibility and when is it not.

Now that I'm aware of these things, when I am forced to look at myself more critically I get angry. I get angry because I'm tried of feeling guilty. I'm tried of feeling taken for granted and taken advantage of. I'm tired of getting disappointed looks from people when I tell them I can't do something. Maybe I don't want to do it. Maybe I can't do it because I'm too busy. Maybe I can't handle the extra emotional burden it puts on me. I'm tried of having to explain why I said no. Those questions of 'why not?' suggest that I should do what they ask and I should feel shamed and guilty for not jumping at the chance to help them out. No dammit. If I feel like explaining it I will. Other wise just accept my answer and drop it.

I recognize that the limitations I've set on myself regarding how I respond to people are of my own making and I have no one to blame but myself. I also have no one but myself to fix them. Yes I can and do seek counseling of a trained professional. This person can help me focus my emotions and my thoughts into a coherent mass. But I still have to do the work.

Many people around me will be confused and some will not like what I have to do. But ultimately I will be a happier and more powerful person. I have to be ME. Not the me that everyone wants, but the me that is really who I am. Even if at the time I am a dumb ass or I'm angry or I'm selfish. We all have negative tendencies that we don't like. I've been trying to cover mine up for a long time now, usually pretty successfully, but when the negativity finally erupts to the surface it is highly destructive to myself and those closest to me.

I realize now why I have kept so many people at a distance from ME. If I am isolated from people then I don't have to worry about them making me feel guilty. Sometimes I don't want to do the right thing. Sometimes I want to be a selfish bastard who hordes all the cookies. Sure I know that if I shared with others they may give me some milk in return, but there are simply times when I don't want to. I have denied myself that. I have denied my 'dark side' from having any say, letting it grow and fester inside of me, ready to pop its ugly head out of my chest like some nasty little alien.

I do not want the negativity to take over either. By my nature, who I really think I am, I AM a nice guy. I don't like hurting people, I really don't. Perhaps some of that goes back to the guilt, but I'd like to think that I'm a peaceful man, not a mean bastard waiting to come out. Actually I know I'm not. Does the negativity scare me? Yes it does and it should! Anger can be used constructively or destructively. I need to channel that energy into writing or art or something that allows me to release it without hurting others. Anger is good and natural. I honestly believe that. Pretending your not angry when you are will only cause your blood to boil all the more rapidly.

I think it goes without saying that I'm growing and become a better and happier man. But right now my frame of mind is, "I've taken alls I can take, and I can't takes no more!" To those friends and loved ones that read this. Look at this as a positive thing, not a negative one. I hope you like the me that is being born, I can already tell I will.

Monday, November 03, 2003

Big O! Show Time!

Wow! Last nights final episode of Big O was pretty wild. Oh and for you who don't know, Big O is a cartoon on Cartoon Networks Adult Swim line up. It's not adult-sexual, its adult-complex plot. The plot twists and turns and confuses more than any story I can think of. Frankly it makes me wonder sometimes if it was done on purpose or if I'm just not quite smart enough to 'get it'.

Last night was episode 26, the last of Seasion 2. Will there be a sesson 3? Something makes me doubt it. While there were a LOT of loose strings left untied, the primary story line seems to have run dry. I think they could continue, but it wouldn't have quite the same impact. Then again, perhaps I'm way off base. I know I'd watch if they did create another season.

For those who haven't watched the show the following might seem confusing.

Here is what I've deduced from last night.

  1. Papa Tomato farmer created a VR world or something similar to a Star Trek holo-deck. Either that or it was handed down to him. He became the 'author' of that world, building it from his own memories, both good and bad. Perhaps there WAS a big megaduce war, as one would get the impression from Rodger Smiths flashbacks. In either case, the father (Wainewrite?)
  2. One of the early images in the episode showed an android. Were many of the people in Paradime City androids? We had been given the impression that many of them were clones.
  3. Angel and Roger Smith are something other than the false world in which they have been pawns in. They were before and are now after it. Perhaps they are the androids, more advanced than Dorthy. More like a Terminator, with a human exterior and a robot interior. Roger seems to have lived for many more than the 40 years that Paradime City existed. He knew Father Wainewrite when he was younger and Roger had not aged a day. Angel and Roger also have an emotional bond that seems deeper than just romatic love. As if they knew each other prior to the events in Paradime City.
  4. Rogers fight for his own individuality seems to be a very important focus. He refuses the physical bond between himself and Big O (his megaduce). It's obvious by the scars on Angels back that she did not. They are both megaduce pilots, though Roger seems to be able to do so with Big O in a partnership of mutual respect, honor and the desire for justice. Dispite the best efforts of Roger Smith he IS still but a pawn in the play that was designed around him. He was/is a powerful figure in that story due to the fact that he doesn't just play a part that was written for him. He's an active participant in moving the plot, whomever the viewers are.
  5. Dorthy coming back from the 'dead' was quite interesting as well. It suggests, with the plot, that memories are not important to living, they are just stories built from the past to help us understand the present and the future, butthey are not required to live. Having no memories, such as in the case of Smith and Dorthy, gives them the freedom to be who they ultimatly are without being trapped by the memories of their former lives, 40 years prior. Dorthy was left in a more difficult situation loosing her core memory-bank. Obviously she had some extra memory some where else.

    It was equally interesting that she was able to merge with Big O in the way that Roger was unwilling to. As if she was built for that purpose. There was a building connection between Big O and Dorthy for a number of episodes as well. Big O was not just a big robot that Roger controlled. The Megaduce had its own AI, it's own 'soul'.

Bottom line is that the final episode of Big O has opened more plot doors and holes than it closed. The story is not finished. We have not learned very much at all. It was the close of a chapter, but not the book. Many more details are yet to be discovered. The question is will we be allowed to discover them, or will we be left in this limbo?

Saturday, November 01, 2003

Who stole my team?

Where are the Huskers at today? There is some mediochure team playing in their place today.

Defense is doing well, but not like last week. I will give Texas some credit for being ready to play this game. Obviously Nebraska wasn't ready.

One quarter to go, but I don't see how the Huskers could possibly come back. The Longhorn defense has destroyed the Nebraska offensive line and shut down the running game. When we try to pass the line is broken and Lord get sacked. Even then Lord isn't the best passer.

We need some good defensive turn overs. Some defensive scores would be nice too. Pretty bad when we have to rely so heavily on defense. The poor guys HAVE to be getting tired.

What is the deal

What is going on with our weather? It's going to be about 80 degrees Fahrenheit for the next 3 days and still in the 70s after that.


I like nice weather but this just doesn't feel right. I'm actually a little concerned with how the winter is going to be now. Is it going to be mild and then kick our asses in March and April? It's just not natural.