Friday, March 28, 2003

Fridays suck

I don't know why it happened or specifically when it happened but my Fridays have turned into Mondays and I hate it. I just want to go home. The first two hours were phone call after phone call with petty little problems that could have been gotten around, but of course the callers felt that it was the end of the world! Of course I exagerate, but thats how it begins to feel after the 2nd or 3rd call from the same person.

I kinda regret winning the employee of the year for 2002. Now expectations on me are even more intense. I place many on myself, but I'm getting a bit tired of being reminded that I am employee of the year now. Odd that something I have been wanting to get for the last three years I'd give up now so quickly.

There are personal reasons why this friday is difficult too but I will not get into those. There are some things that should remain off the blog. But work stuff on top of personal stuff is HARD. I've known many others who deal with it on a regular basis. I have new respect for their abilities to cope with crap at work. I'm not so good at dealing with my own emotions. I can't hide it well. I find myself appologizing a lot to coworkers when i growl at them on the phone or while fixing their computers. They aren't the targets of my frustrations and anger, nor are the people in my personal life. Probably 99% of the time its simply with myself.

I've noticed myself saying, "Sorry, I'm not mad/frustrated with you." Luckly i've gotten a fair amount of understanding. A few have gotten worried though. That because I'm frustrated with certain systems, that they must be failing or having problems. Systems that these other people use and of course when the tech looses faith they worry. I feel bad for making them feel that way. it wasn't my intention but my lack of emotional control has leaked out. I put my foot in my mouth more often when I get like this.

Everyone thinks things they know they shouldn't say. Some say them because they are mean or don't care. But in my case when I say them it's because my emotional/mental barriers that normally keep my foot from flying into my mouth are damaged or down. The gaurds are asleep at the gates. The only thing I can think of to do is to remain calm, but as everyone knows, that's not always possible.

I'm one who lets things slide off his back. I take promises with a grain of salt. I have faith, but I'm realistic. I accept that people make mistakes and would rather blow it off than get mad about it. But there are things and times when that's just not possible. When that happens, when my stress level is high I turn into an idiot. As I suspect most people do. I hate it. I feel like Dr. Jeckel and Mr. Hyde.

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