Tuesday, November 19, 2002

Update to below

I wrote the following last night, but decided to let Melly read it first and approve it for posting as its rather personal. She said it was ok, so here you go.

I am feeling more confident and better about the situation today too. :)

A Rock?

What does it take to be a rock? I've been asking myself that all day. I want to be a rock. Solid. Reliable. Comforting. Safe. Not a rock like a stone, cold and ungiving, but like a loving hug.

Sounds simple but how does one DO it? In the past I pushed my own feelings and wants aside to do it, but that only works for detachment. I don't want to be detached. I want my feelings and needs and desires to be a part of this as much as they are a part of me. I was previously unfair to myself. I cannot do that now. But how do I balance them? The feelings of the other with your own feelings? Its truly a scary and daunting situation. I so very much want to do it.

My confidence is wavering. I'm always the optimist, but if I fail I could lose my true love, my soul mate. That's a pressure I've never run into before. It's like someone handed you a unicycle and said, if you don't ride this across this street covered with oily spots, that innocent person over there will be killed. You say to yourself, “I have to do this!” But you are also saying, “I've never ridden a unicycle before in my life!”

And worse, you don't know the rules. They didn't say you couldn't fall off. They didn't give you a time limit either. So you have to assume the worse case. You have no choice. There is no one to ask. No one to tell you the rules. You can try to get advice from those around you, but they might be wrong. And even then you cannot blame their advice. It's all on you, like it or not.

Yes I could walk away and just say, “sorry”. I could leave it all. Would my conscious let me live with that? I doubt it. I can't just walk away. I won't walk away. Loosing the life of an innocent or losing my soul mate, it makes no difference. I cannot walk away from my responsibilities, regardless of how difficult they may be.

I have committed myself, promised my love. That is not something you walk away from. I've not walked away, but I have turned my back a few too many times. Every time I do its like a punch in the stomach of my soul mate, Melly.

Yes, I'm torn. My heart and my head are both arguing. My heart cries every time I hurt her. I wonder if she'd be better off without me. I also know I couldn't live without her. I couldn't end my life to escape. No, I'd not let myself off the hook that easily. I'd suffer in my own head and heart.

My head fights too. It asks me, “Do we keep trying? When is it too much?” My answers are always, “Yes” and “I don't know, but hold on a little more.” So that's just what I do. I hold on. Some people call me foolish, crazy, wonder if I'm right in the head or not. So be it. When you find the one you know is your soul mate you will hold onto that with all your heart. You will put everything on the line for them.

So if I'm crazy, so be it.

No comments: