Saturday, November 09, 2002

Growing Pains

They aren't just for teenagers. I've been experiencing them myself lately. This time rather than being physical and emotional, they are just emotional.

But unfortunately, just as it was during those teen years, my brain has a hard time making good sense of the new pieces.

Also, just like a teen, that's no excuse for my poor judgment.

I've grown some big “muscles” lately and boy have I been trying them out, unfortunately, also accompanying those muscles are big feet and hands tripping me up and making me a clutz.

What's worse is trying to figure out what made me do those moronic things. Pride? Ego? Ignorance? All of the above?

Bottom line those things are all a part of me. We all have those not so great qualities, but the trick is to hold the bad ones in check with good judgment, respect and compassion. All things I've been neglecting. My idiocy has been running unchecked.

It's not like I've been running around being evil but I have caused a lot of damage lately. Damage that hurt others. Namely Melly. That damage hurts me too. I don't like hurting people, especially those whom I love very deeply.

When I hurt others I feel so tremendously guilty. Makes me want to go hide in a hole. Protect the world from me. I know I'm very hard on myself. I'm a perfectionist.

Melly said something extremely important to me yesterday. She said I always have to be right. When I'm wrong its a major blow to the core of me. The Army says, “Be all that you can be.” I want to be more. The problem is I hurt others in my pursuit of that goal.

If I'm wrong I'll drive the conversation so that it minimizes my wrongness. I'm a master of excuses. I can weave an excuse into an elaborate scenario until it no longer looks like an excuse anymore.

Am I proud of this? No I'm not. I really didn't even realize I have been doing it. But I'm constantly looking for a way out of being wrong. Or if I can't I try to bring those around me to the same level so then I can say, “it's not just me.”

I have a lot of work to do. This isn't going to be easy. How do I “fix” myself so I'm not striving to always be right? I think the key lays in not making excuses for myself. There is nothing wrong with being wrong as long as you are compelled to make amends and repair the damage done. Making excuses does not do this.

Working to make yourself a better person is a noble goal. But you have to really DO it, not weave elaborate excuses that do nothing but make things worse.

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