Wednesday, June 11, 2003

Welcome to the real world

I realize from time to time that I have NO experience with death or disability. None. Sounds odd, but it's true. When I was very young, maybe 3 or 4 I lost a dog that I was close to, but I was too young to understand. I lost both of my grandpa very early in my adolescence as well. One grandpa I wasn't really close to because of my parents divorce. The other died of Alzheimer's Because of Alzheimer's we lost him slowly over time, it wasn't so sudden. It wasn't such a shock. A few years ago my aunt was in a very bad car accident and it changed her life dramatically. That was a bit of a shocker for me, but no one close to me has be hurt or lost. I'm an adult and have no clue how to deal with these things.

My cat has feline Leukemia. It's no shock. I've known since I had her "fixed" shortly after I rescued her. She was a stray. I read up extensively on the disease and decided that I would make her life loving and kind. She was healthy and happy. Why have her put down just because she was going to get sick one day? That was almost 4 years ago.

She's sick right now. The vet is pretty certain this is her Leukemia kicking in. I accept that but at the same time I don't want to. I want her to get better. I got her some medicine and some high vitamin/high calorie food to try to get her feeling better. The doctor gave her some shots to try to help too. I can only hope. But even if she gets better there is still the knowledge that one day she will not get better.

It's hard to accept this. She has been here with me pretty much since I moved here. She has been my company all this time. Snuggling up with me on the couch or curling under my arm at night making it difficult to get up because I'm pinned down by her. Seeing her waiting for me to come home, sitting in the window. By the time I open the door she's standing there meowing at me.

It's hard to see her as she is now. I'm not used to the feelings I'm feeling. I don't like this at all.

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